Until recently I didn't realize how deep mine went. I knew there are certain types of movies I avoid and certain topics I stray from but I never thought of them as triggers.
Today I am so grateful for starting Day 1 of my personal round of the Y.E.S. Initiative tomorrow because...it kicks off with a weeklong Breakthrough Boot Camp designed to talk to her. The little girl is me is still SOOOO afraid of so many things. She is trying her hardest to protect me from them to my own detriment.
I know where her fear stems from, though.
I understand her concern. It still makes me feel like the biggest coward...that hearing a relative of mine is communicating with my anti-father causes me to have panic attacks. I know the fear that grips me isn't just for me but for those beautiful babies and knowing what he would do to them if he had the chance.
I also avoided a local news story most of the day because it made me sick to my stomach. A man murdered four children (two of his biologically) and shot and stabbed his wife. Learning of this was gut wrenching.
Almost 24 years later and I know without a shadow of a doubt that's where things were headed with my anti-father. Every day I wondered...is this going to be the day he snaps and kills us all. Is this going to be the day I say the wrong thing and beats me in a way he never has before? I lived with all those worries but no one saw I was so good at hiding it.
I have built so many protective layers that keep me from living my life, including a FORTRESS OF FATITUDE. I have been slowly killing myself. My anti-father has murdered so much in me just as surely he pulled the trigger so many years ago.
This is what inspired me to create the Y.E.S. Initiative. Detoxing myself of these fears and negative thoughts that have been ingrained in me most of life is the point of the first phase. I will help the frightened little girl in me feel safe and obtain the SECURITY she needs to thrive.
I share this because I know many of you are seeing a lot of scary things on the news and your timeline right now. I want you to take a moment, breathe and say...It's OK your safe now.
Now I need you to BELIEVE it!
#YESInitiative #CRAPdependencyDETOX #RecoveringCRAPaddict
