About Dee

Why I Fly: A Soul Surthrivor's Story

In order to help you understand Why I Fly and why I'm a recovering C.R.A.P. Addict I need to give you some background on my childhood. I'm not going to take you all the way back right now but I am going to tell you about THREE days in my history that have DEFINED my life.

Did you know I have a personal EMANCIPATION DAY?

A day I broke free of chains and torment.

Wednesday, November 11, 1992...ironic now that I realize it was Veteran's Day was the DAY BEFORE I would set things in motion to change my life and take my power back.

Maybe you are on the cusp of something momentous. It may be the best thing for you to do but you are still wracked with doubts.

You may be caught up in the what ifs and looking for guarantees. It may be time to leave an unhealthy work environment or even a great one that is fulfilling.

You may be in a relationship that is going nowhere fast, or worst yet you have a physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive partner that you are afraid to leave.

Whatever your story is it's YOURS...here's some of mine.

On this Wednesday night 20+ years ago...I was a bundle of nerves. It was a good day. My anti-father was in a good mood so we all were but I was nervous all day. I thought something in my demeanor may give away but plan for the next day but  it didn't.

My household was peaceful...we'd had an early dinner and the babies were already in bed.

My anti-father asked if I wanted to play some wheel of fortune on the computer. I agreed.

We had a ball. We laughed. We talked. It was these moments I longed for. These were the moments where the dad I first fell in love with was present and they confused me. These were the moments where my HATE METER  shifted a little more to the love side. This night it shook my resolve. 

It made me doubt my decision. It made me doubt myself. "MAYBE he would finally stop like he had promised a million times before," I told myself. "If he would only promise and stick with it then we could be a normal family. I did a good job of wrangling the babies...so he hadn't snapped in a long time," I reasoned.

If only he would stop hurting me...and mommy and the babies stayed safe then I wouldn't have to make the call anymore. We could all stay together.

These were the thoughts I struggled with as sleep eluded me that night. Six years earlier I had CHOSEN this man to be my daddy. I had given him my heart without any hesitation. I loved him with all the innocence of the childhood he robbed me of. Even after all the times he showed me the MONSTER he could be. I still had a sliver of faith that he would control the monster one day soon. There was a part of me that believed  he was capable of being the man he was for the rest of the world all of the time. Most days he was that man he pretended to be. When the MONSTER was unleashed that was almost always at night!

What I had planned for the following day would take every ounce of courage at my disposal and I was AFRAID. The only thing scarier than the devil you know is the one you don't. If I took action the next day my life would be forever changed. The question was...would it be BETTER?

So as I closed my eyes that night...I had no idea what I would do the following morning. I knew he and I were both at a breaking point and as much as I feared the repercussions of taking action. I was TERRIFIED of what would become of me and my family if I did NOTHING.

Today I am grateful for the conflicting emotion he stirred in me that day. I'm happy that when I was making this decision I was reminded of good times along with the bad.  Even though it created uncertainty. 

It added to the strength of my conviction...no matter what I decided. I know now that a decision FORGED in LOVE is so much more powerful than one FUELED by HATE. We came full circle that night because as a starry eyed five year old I had chosen him with all the LOVE in my heart. Now as a jaded 11 year old I was deciding the fate of our family with all the LOVE in my heart.

Thursday, November 12, 1992 in a blur of UNFORGETTABLE moments.

I went to bed Wednesday night...full of fear and doubt. I second guessed myself all night. That morning I woke up still unsure if I would carry out my plan. The stars were aligned and this day felt like my ONE chance. In my mind it was NOW or NEVER!

My mom and anti-father had to take care of business in Detroit which was an hour away from where we were living. They would be gone until late evening. I stayed home from school to watch my 3 year old sister and 11 month old brother. (As a 4.0 student the missed day didn't kill me.)

That morning as I was playing with the babies...my resolve returned. I reminded myself that my baby sister was only 2 years younger than I was when my anti-father started molesting me. For years I had convinced myself that he would leave her alone. She was his biological daughter...but according to the delusional stories he told me so was I, so that wasn't a guaranteed deterrent.

She was just a baby...MY BAY BAY! I loved her more than me... she was all innocence and personality. She was such a bright open child. She made friends everywhere she went. She was me B.A.F. (Before Anti Father). I couldn't imagine the awful things I was experiencing happening to her. I REFUSED to allow anything to dampen her spirit or kill her joy.

I waited until I had put the babies down for a nap, the I acted on the DECISION I had come to. I was more FRIGHTENED than I had ever been in my life. This was saying a lot because life with my A.F. was full of terrifying moments. Despite my fear...I picked up the phone. I called my Angel.

I remember dialing her number...my fingers trembling. I even hung up TWICE before finally letting the call go through. Lisa answered. Without preamble, I said, My daddy hurts me. He's molested me for years and now he rapes me." The other end of the line was silent as I shared...MY SECRET with her. A secret I had held since I was 5 years old. I PASSED my burden on to her and I felt both RELIEVED and GUILTY at the same time.

I recall looking over my shoulder expecting my anti-father to appear at any moment. I imagined him snatching the phone away and strangling me then and there. I got out as much as I could...then Lisa started talking. I don't remember exactly what she said.

What does one say to the 11 year old girl, you have known four short months, yet who you shared an inexplicable bond with immediately when she unloads on you the darkness of her world?

I don't remember the words precisely but I recall the feelings. I recall a feeling of certainty I hadn't felt in years that EVERYTHING was going to be alright. I TRUSTED Lisa in a way I hadn't trusted anyone in years. She assured me she would take care of everything.  I BELIEVED her. She told me to act as normal as I could that day when my parents came home. She explained that she was going to make some phone calls.  Then she promised me she would make sure he got what he deserved.

I wasn't as afraid anymore after the call. I had sense of peace that was coupled with anticipation, creating a feeling I cannot describe. The babies were still sleeping, when I got off the phone with Lisa. The house was quiet. I sat in my room. I imagined a future without my anti-father. I had done this A GAZILLION times before but this time seemed imminent. I had dreamed about this life. I had spent hours praying to God for the opportunity to be SAFE, SECURE, and FREE of him. With one SINGLE act of COURAGE...I was soooo close to it.

I still had my complicated hate tinged with love feelings regarding my anti-father. Those added to the complexity of emotions raging inside me. I knew, however, I had done what was necessary to protect my sister. For her I could conquer my fear...in a way I couldn't for myself alone.

My mom and anti-father came home that evening. I acted normal. I was quiet but that wasn't unusual. I wasn't I at ease because I had never lost my fear only acted IN SPITE of it.

Late that night my anti-father erased the last vestiges of doubt from my mind. All my hopes and dreams that he could be the father he claimed to be were once again obliterated when he RAPED me for what would be the FINAL time.

I learned three very IMPORTANT lessons on that Thursday over 20 years ago.

1. Fear is not an EXCUSE for inaction. Everything about making that phone call frightened me. I did it anyway.

2. If your WHY is strong enough it will GIVE you STRENGTH. I still can't say if it was for me alone, I would have made that call. I'm not certain I could have mustered the courage simply for my own well being. For the FUTURES of those I love I am CAPABLE of things I never DREAMED possible.

3. You cannot love someone or will someone into changing. My anti-father had his own demons. That's not a justification. It's a fact. My love of the man I willed him to be would NEVER have been enough to change him. He had no desire to change so In the end I had to LOVE ME MORE.

I am grateful for my baby sister who provided me strength when mine alone wasn't enough.

FRIDAY the 13th 1992 is still the LUCKIEST day of my life! It is the reason I am able to be who I am and have ALL of the blessings that I do. No matter how many MAGICAL days I experience this one remains at the top.

The day before I had set the wheels in MOTION to bring about  FREEDOM for me, my mom and younger siblings from my psycho anti-father. I woke up Friday morning EXCITED! The night before and the final rape was already becoming a distant memory. Part of me was glad it had happened. I was grateful that our final interaction would always serve as a reminder of who he really was...a MONSTER disguised as a man.

Lisa called my mom and asked if she could stop by before dropping me at school. The butterflies in my belly were having a wrestling match...as I waited for my mom to come out of Lisa's. They started body slamming each other as mommy got in the car. She was crying. Lisa had told her. They had a plan. One way or another we were going to be FREE before the end of the day.

I was informed that people would be coming to the school to talk to me. All I had to do was wait. The morning was interminable. I swear the clock wasn't moving. I felt nauseous and impatient. I had waited 6 years for this moment. Suddenly I couldn't with anymore. I owed it to that outgoing little girl I once had been, to save  her future as well.

FINALLY...I was asked to report to the principal's office. Two detectives waited for me there. They made me feel at ease. It was easy to talk to them. They promised he would never hurt me a again. They left me with a sweet woman from CPS. So it began, my ongoing sexual assault went from being my most closely guarded secret to something I would share hundreds of times in the years to come. In those few hours at school I told three more people in less than 24 hours something I had never spoken out loud in six years.

I had a lot to tell so by the time I finished up with my visitors, school was over. My anti-father had swore he wasn't leaving the house on that Friday the 13th due to having a horrible day on the previous one that year.

He changed his mind and decided to pick me up from school anyway. It was DIVINE INTERVENTION. Police surrounded our subdivision. He never made it out. Lisa, the police, and the social worker all held up their promise. The days, heck years that followed were not always as magical as I envisioned, but that's life.

WE WERE SAFE!

No matter what happened in the years that followed...what matters is that day I took a piece of my childhood back. I saved my little sister and potentially little brother from suffering my fate.

I WAS FREE!

I am FOREVER grateful for the POWER that comes from FREEDOM.

I swore that DAY that my anti-father would HARM me NO MORE and he hasn't. What I didn't count on was the things he left me with, that cause me to harm myself.

In order to STOP HARMING ME. I had to CHOOSE ME to save ALL the parts of me for ME. I also had to let that starry eyed little girl take the reins from time to time. I am EVEN inspired by how BIG she dreams. I had to stop THINKING and ACTING like a SURVIVOR.  I had to develop the MINDSET of a THRIVING EMPOWERER. I had to CHOOSE TO FLY!

I CHOOSE TO FLY because SURVIVING isn't enough!

I CHOOSE TO FLY because I can CHANGE the world through finding my wings!

I CHOOSE TO FLY because if I don't RISE ABOVE then I will drown below!

I CHOOSE TO FLY because I owe it to that little girl with STARS in her eyes to PROVIDE her she life she always dreamed of!

I STRIVE to be the BEST EXAMPLE I can be for my Butterflies of CROSSROADS ASSAULT SURVIVORS TEAM. 

The organization I am creating for the very purpose of HELPING other YOUNG SURVIVORS understand that they have a choice. They will come to a crossroads when dealing with their experiences. They can choose the path of the victim, walk the straight and narrow as a survivor or SOAR as SURTHRIVORS!

I also run Fit for a Cause Challenges to benefit other survivors looking to THRIVE!

I hope to help them understand, your circumstances do not DEFINE you! Your ACTIONS do! The word victim implies someone DEFEAT. 

That only happens if you are DEAD. Death is the only thing you can't overcome in this life. 

When you accept that you are a victim you are accepting being BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR. You are never beyond repair. You must ACCEPT that no matter what life brings your way>>>>

You are STRONG!
You are BRAVE!
You SURVIVED!!
You have the potential to be a SURTHRIVOR if you CHOOSE to THRIVE!!!

I will reach these girls because, I know them. I know what they have been through. I have been broken, I have felt powerless, and afraid. I am still working to fully REGAIN my POWER.  I am STRONGER every day now that I understand a KEY thing.  

My power comes from my God and myself. Therefore it can never be stolen I have to give it away. I REFUSE TO DO SO EVER AGAIN!! 

What is BROKEN...HEALS STRONGER!! I am not weak because of my experiences. I am POWERFUL in spite of them!

Please think about this the next time you call yourself or someone else a victim. As long you are fighting, growing, and healing. You are a SURVIVOR. When you take control by LIVING a life you LOVE. You are a SURTHRIVOR, an OVERCOMER, a CONQUEROR, and a SUPER HERO but never a victim.

I am currently on a JOURNEY of SELF-IMPROVEMENT and SELF DISCOVERY. I realize that my LIFE so far has been about TEACHING me VALUABLE LESSONS I needed to LEARN, in order to be the absolute BEST and most EMPOWERED version of ME. 

It's my  EXTREME MAKEOVER: MINDSET and LIFESTYLE Edition

My FOCUS currently the Pay It Forward with a Splash of Color MOVEMENT. The goal is to help at least 1,000,000 women become EMPOWERED to Live a Life they love Purposefully. My sincere hope is that this movement will CHANGE the LIVES of MILLIONS but the FIRST LIFE it will SIGNIFICANTLY IMPACT is MY OWN. The PURPOSE of the movement is to ASSIST people in living a FIT and HEALTHY LIFE in every aspect of their life. This includes MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY, FISCALLY, and PHYSICALLY.

My ULTIMATE GOAL is to have the organization Crossroads Assault Survivors TEAM touch the lives of as many teenage girls struggling in the AFTERMATH of SEXUAL ASSAULT as possible. With Crossroads, the girls will find a SAFE HAVEN with supportive people who can help them UNDERSTAND that just because they were victimized does NOT make them victims. The organization will HELP them SEE THEMSELVES as the BEAUTIFUL, COURAGEOUS, CONQUERORS I know them to be.

I'm looking forward to sharing my journey with you and invite you to JOIN me as an AMBASSADOR of CHANGE along the way. I would GREATLY APPRECIATE the COMPANY!!! 


Find out how you can BECOME a Pay it Forward Partner!